Paul May 26th, 2010
Says President Obama to BP.
Says the rabbit to the tree after Alice fell into Wonderland.
Says American cheese to Swiss cheese.
Says the flat tire to the garage mechanic.
Says the IRS to all the loopy tax laws.
Says the dike to the little Dutch boy.
Says the wounded gunman to the Mafia medic.
Says the unhappy stigmatist to God in heaven.
Says the dietician to the obese teenager.
Says the porn star to the dentist.
Says the Octogenarian Mom to her obstetrician.
Says the pharmacist to the leaky bottomless dancer.
Says a reformed Tiger Woods to another acquiescent cocktail waitress.
Says the priest to the altar boy.
Says the bishop to the priest.
Says the Pope to the bishop.
Says Who to the Pope?
Tags: BP, Obama, Tiger Woods
Paul March 17th, 2010
Legend has it that St. Patrick banished all the snakes from Ireland. If we pray hard enough, maybe the good saint will come back and rid us of all the snakes in Congress, the red ones as well as the blue ones. And then, if there’s time, because “sex addiction” seems to be rearing its head ever more frequently these days, maybe he can also tame the unruly snakes in the trousers of seminal celebrities like Tiger Woods, John Edwards, David Letterman, Eliot Spitzer, Mark Sanford, Mark Foley, Eric Massa, ad nauseam. Tennis, anyone? Snorkeling?
Tags: David Letterman, Eliot Spitzer, Eric Massa, John Edwards, Mark Foley, Mark Sanford, St. Patrick, Tiger Woods
Paul December 16th, 2009
At a time when newspaper and magazine readers seem to be abandoning print for sexier electronic media, one might expect Time magazine to select someone more bankable for its much-anticipated 2009 Person of the Year cover story—Sarah Palin? Tiger Woods? The Gate Crashers at the White House? Heck, maybe even the Balloon Boy. But no. The honor goes to Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke. My guess is, most Americans will say “Ben Who?” and reach for The National Inquirer at the grocery store checkout counter. But wait. Maybe the publisher of Time had a secret deal with everyone on Wall Street to buy a thousand copies of the magazine with their hefty Christmas bonuses, to roll up and use as Yuletide logs in their cozy multi-million dollar homes, as the rest of us continue to shiver and slobber in ours while poring over unsatisfying centerfolds of Carrie Prejean or Levi Johnston. I guess only Time will tell.
Tags: 2009 Person of the Year, Balloon Boy, Ben Bernanke, Carrie Prejean, Gate Crashers at the White House, Levi Johnston, Sarah Palin, The National Inquirer, Tiger Woods, Time magaine
Paul December 11th, 2009
William Blake (1757-1827) said it all in his poem—a song not of innocence, but of experience. A true visionary, Blake knew about our man, over two hundred years ago, and that this is the way many among us now wish to remember “The Tiger.”
TIGER, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare seize the fire?
And what shoulder and what art
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand and what dread feet?
What the hammer? what the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? What dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
When the stars threw down their spears,
And water’d heaven with their tears,
Did He smile His work to see?
Did He who made the lamb make thee?
Tiger, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
Tags: Tiger Woods, William Blake
Paul November 30th, 2009
Tiger Woods is finally living up to his name. Okay, so the guy gets a woody with some other lady. He and his wife alledgedly get into a spat. He tries to leave in his car. She chases after him with a golf club and starts swinging. Did she bash him with an iron or, ironically, with a wood? In any case, in Puritanical America, if Nike and his other corporate sponsors can’t deal with this ”holes-in-one” scandal, our man really has nothing to worry about. When the moment is right, I’m sure he will be ready to sign with any of the Mad Men representing Cialis or Viagra. Sample headline for a new ad campaign: Tigerrr Plays Harrrd with Viagrrra!
Tags: Cialis, Mad Men, Tiger Woods, Viagra
