OUT ON A LIM
Paul May 24th, 2009
“Howl, howl, howl, howl!”
10 March 2010: “Thy rod and thy staff…”
March 10th, 2010Former Representative Eric J. Massa of New York admits that he groped several male aides inappropriately in his office, grabbed another male staff member’s member at a wedding party, and tickled yet another male underling “until he couldn’t breathe,” but that there was “nothing sexual” about these close encounters of the gay kind. What surprises me is that Massa has not quoted Psalm 23 in his own defense: “Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.”
2 March 2010: Relief Fatigue
March 2nd, 2010First, New Orleans. Then Haiti. And now Chile. How much more can a modern-day Job take? How much more can a modern-day Job give? The spirit is willing, but our own economy is weak. It’s hard to turn off the news about disasters abroad, but what about ongoing daily disasters at home, if you’ve still got one? How do you spell Relief? Jobs, Jobs, Jobs.
25 February 2010: Sarah Palin’s Curiosity Case
February 25th, 2010According to former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush in a recent interview with Newsmax, former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin lacks ”the depth of understanding of the complexity of life that we’re living in today.” He also thinks that she has no political legs in 2012 because “public leaders need to have intellectual curiosity.” I beg to differ with the thoughtful Bush on the latter point. In my opinion, Sarah Palin is herself the biggest curiosity of all, intellectual or otherwise, that we’ve ever encountered in politics in this country. As to whether or not she has legs, not being into dismemberment issues, I must admit I’m stumped.
24 February 2010: “Makin’ Whoopee” with Bristol Palin
February 24th, 2010Not to be outdone by her erstwhile partner in sin, who has now been seen suavely clothed in TV talkshows and hirsutely unclothed in Playgirl magazine, Bristol Palin has agreed to appear as herself on the ABC Family drama series “The Secret Life of the American Teenager.” The 19-year-old daughter of Sarah Palin will be featured in an episode dealing with the consequences of condomless fornication and teen pregnancy. Since Bristol did not get famously pregnant all by her lonesome self, inquiring minds want to know if we’ll get to see her “Makin’ Whoopee” with Levi Johnston. To boost ratings, ABC Family should change the title of the show from “The Secret Life of the American Teenager” to “The Secretions of the American Teenager.” Reality TV doesn’t get better than this. It isn’t porno, it’s Sex Education.
11 February 2010: Teabagging with a Gay Lord!
February 11th, 2010If Sarah Palin wants to enrich herself further after all the lucrative book tours and speaking engagements run out, she can always set up shop as a folksy fortune teller. She doesn’t have to read the palms of her religious Republican followers, because she can just read her own. Her slogan can be, “With Sister Sarah, every day is Palm Sunday.” And for extra donations, she can also read the tea leaves of all the fervent and devout teabaggers. I’m surprised she didn’t do this last week in Nashville, when she was the keynote speaker at the first National Tea Party Convention. By the way, did anyone else but me notice that the convention was held at the Gaylord Opryland Hotel, and that all the TV cameras showed the speakers preaching behind a Gaylord podium? Gay Lord? Really? Why weren’t all the people at the convention on their knees, worshipping their Gay Lord?
28 January 2010: Please Ask, Please Tell.
January 28th, 2010“…one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.” I’d like to believe that these words are not just empty rhetoric, that they will lead directly to action, and soon. What’s the state of our union when we deliberately exclude, ostracize and discard some members of The American Family?
12 January 2010: Sarah Palin Vs. Ellen Degeneres
January 12th, 2010Today’s headlines reveal that Sarah Palin is joining Fox News as a regular commentator, and that Simon Cowell is leaving ”American Idol” at the end of the season. Now that Ellen Degeneres has replaced Paula Abdul on “Idol,” my guess is that Fox is grooming Moose Palin to join Buckaroo Degeneres on “Idol” after Cobra Cowell’s departure. I’d love to see these two women lick each other in a catfight. Wouldn’t that be a marriage made in heaven…or hell…or maybe California?
And when she quits “Idol” halfway through her contract, Moose Palin will go for Rush Limbaugh’s job and run for President of the United States in 2012. I think that’s what she really meant to tell Katie Couric in that infamous interview, that she can see Rush from her window in Alaska, and maybe her head up on Mount Rushmore as well.
6 January 2010: The Gospel According to AVATAR
January 6th, 2010Where TITANIC (1997) showed us the great divide between social classes in allegedly egalitarian societies, with its “message” successfully embedded in a breathless love story between the haves and the have-nots, Canadian film-director James Cameron now picks up where Al Gore left off in AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH (2006). Although Cameron’s AVATAR can be viewed and reviewed as a movie which bashes American-style capitalism and militarism, I personally see it as the first Green Movie for the Masses. It’s too bad that AVATAR was not released last December, when the Copenhagen climate summit was in progress. With Cameron’s permission, President Obama might have distributed DVD copies of the movie to the delegates, and the summit might have produced different results. But, it’s not too late. As is their wont, the Chinese will pirate and distribute illegal DVD copies of this movie to all of Asia, and maybe the yellow masses will be moved to do something about climate change where our world leaders have failed. Although the protagonists in AVATAR look blue, I cannot help but think that if you mix BLUE and YELLOW, you’ll get GREEN. Thanks to THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO AVATAR, we are finally getting a true marriage between ART and PROPAGANDA.
4 January 2010: Harder! Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!
January 4th, 2010At my age, encounters with frisky strangers occur rather rarely, so my New Year’s resolution is to fly as frequently as I can, in order to enjoy free full-body rubdowns and massages in the expert hands of airport security people.
Here’s some dialogue out of a new Quentin Tarantino remake of an old Russ Meyer movie: ”Lower, please. That’s it. Don’t be shy, now. Harder! Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! Oooops. Sorry about that. You can keep the soiled underwear if you like. Hey, what’s with the handcuffs? I’m not into that kinky stuff! No, please. Not the baseball bat! I’m a tight end, not a wide receiver!”
16 December 2009: Ben Who?
December 16th, 2009At a time when newspaper and magazine readers seem to be abandoning print for sexier electronic media, one might expect Time magazine to select someone more bankable for its much-anticipated 2009 Person of the Year cover story—Sarah Palin? Tiger Woods? The Gate Crashers at the White House? Heck, maybe even the Balloon Boy. But no. The honor goes to Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke. My guess is, most Americans will say “Ben Who?” and reach for The National Inquirer at the grocery store checkout counter. But wait. Maybe the publisher of Time had a secret deal with everyone on Wall Street to buy a thousand copies of the magazine with their hefty Christmas bonuses, to roll up and use as Yuletide logs in their cozy multi-million dollar homes, as the rest of us continue to shiver and slobber in ours while poring over unsatisfying centerfolds of Carrie Prejean or Levi Johnston. I guess only Time will tell.
13 December 2009: Four Hours to Orgasm!
December 13th, 2009Just when we’ve all become accustomed to hearing about “erections lasting more than four hours” thanks to Viagra, comes word that there is a new drug in the market which cures premature ejaculation in men. According to The New York Times, Johnson & Johnson “has developed Priligy, a pill aimed at men who ejaculate before copulating or within seconds of beginning…by helping to prolong latency time before orgasm.” It’s not being marketed yet in the United States, but when it is, I’m sure it’ll come with the usual warnings about side effects, most likely about tireless penises that take more than four hours to orgasm. Women should be extra careful that their men don’t take Viagra in conjunction with Priligy, or they will all turn into chafing dishes overnight.
11 December 2009: Tiger Burning…
December 11th, 2009William Blake (1757-1827) said it all in his poem—a song not of innocence, but of experience. A true visionary, Blake knew about our man, over two hundred years ago, and that this is the way many among us now wish to remember “The Tiger.”
TIGER, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare seize the fire?
And what shoulder and what art
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand and what dread feet?
What the hammer? what the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? What dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
When the stars threw down their spears,
And water’d heaven with their tears,
Did He smile His work to see?
Did He who made the lamb make thee?
Tiger, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
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