OUT ON A LIM
Paul May 24th, 2009
“Howl, howl, howl, howl!”
4 March 2012: WWJD ?
April 4th, 2012Although I’m a lapsed Catholic, every year on Good Friday I have some friends over to observe the holyday in some fashion. At last year’s gathering, I served Rusty Nails along with Hot Cross Buns from Wheatfield’s Bakery in Lawrence. Any suggestions for what I should offer my guests this year? WWJD? The “D” is for “Drink.”
26 March 2012: Dick Cheney’s New Change Of Heart
March 26th, 2012Now that former Vice President Dick Cheney has had a successful heart transplant, I cannot help but wonder whether the organ donor was a Democrat, an American who voted for Change in the last election. Will the hugely disgruntled and mostly dyspeptic 71-year-old Cheney now have a sudden change of heart to become a kinder, gentler human being? Will he be sorry now for his position on torture, on weapons of mass destruction, on any liberal who dares to cross his path? In a heartbeat, can He Who Must Be Obeyed turn into He Who Will Support The President Of His Country?
22 March 2012: A New Songbird In My House
March 22nd, 2012I am grateful for all the comforting words and sentiments which have been sent my way ever since I shared the sad news of Mykee’s death. While I am still trying to decide whether or not to get another keeshond to fill the void which Mykee left behind, yesterday I bought a young canary, to join the pair of lovebirds which I’ve had in the house for a long time.
Although the lovebirds nestle together affectionately, and I find eggs regularly in their cage as proof of their affection, they don’t really sing to each other; they mostly just squeak and squawk, so I’ve named them Gustav and Alma (after the Mahlers).
The young canary has adjusted well to his new environment. He seems happy. It’s only been one day, but already my house is filled with his sunny disposition, his thrilling trill and cheerful chatter. Maybe he’ll inspire Gustav and Alma to sing a different tune.
I have yet to name the young male canary. I’m thinking of Johann (after Bach), or maybe Papageno (after the character in Mozart’s The Magic Flute, my favorite opera). Any suggestions?
10 March 2012: Grand Old POOP!
March 10th, 2012Thanks to the ubiquitous news and social media networks…
…we now know how, back in 1983, Mitt Romney tied his family dog Seamus (for shame!) to the roof of his car during a 12-hour car trip, and how the terrified dog defecated in fear on the roof but Romney simply hosed the dog down and kept on driving.
…we now know how a heathen dog gave Rick Santorum a different kind of baptism in 1990 by peeing on his lap, but how this did not faze the newly sanctified political candidate as he continued to campaign from door to door with the telltale stain on his groin.
…we now know about Rick Santorum’s dogmatic 2003 interview, in which he famously describes homosexuality as “man on dog.”
…we now also know, thanks to Dan Savage and Rachel Maddow, that whenever one Googles Rick Santorum, the phrase “Spreading Santorum” inevitably pops up on top of the list. And if one is brave enough to go there, one learns that “Spreading Santorum” is a noun which means “the frothy mixture of lube and….” (You’d have to look up the rest of the definition yourself, because personal hygiene prohibits me from going any further.)
All these cathartic canine stories come together on the cover of The New Yorker this week, which shows a cartoon rendering of Mitt Romney, driving happily toward an uncertain political future with a doghouse strapped to the roof of the car…and peering anxiously out of the doghouse is none other than…RICK SANTORUM! But, unfortunately, unlike Mitt’s family dog Seamus, Rick hasn’t pooped himself, at least not yet.
During World War II, “Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition” was a patriotic song sang gleefully by Americans, when we all still believed that we were a nation sanctioned by God to kill the infidels. And now, given the continuing Republican antagonism toward gays in the military, coupled with the GOP’s enthusiasm for new wars in Iran and Syria, I think we should all be singing “Praise the Lord and Pass the Lubrication.”
21 February 2012: Dribbling with Limsanity
February 21st, 2012As an Asian-American, I must be a terrible disappointment to my Caucasian friends. In school, unlike my abacus-wielding compatriots, I was no mathematical genius, counting myself lucky if I could add and subtract competently with the help of my fingers and toes. Later, when Bruce Lee seemed to be all the rage, my own fists were curled (not furiously but) limpidly around dusty library books. And now comes Jeremy Lin of the New York Knicks, the new wonderboy of the Wonder Bread set. I’ve been telling my friends proudly that Jeremy and I share the same surname in Chinese even though we spell it differently in English. The written character in Chinese looks like two trees standing together, of equal height and looking exactly alike (see the graphic design on my personal website). This is all very ironic because, in real life, I have always detested sports, and my only claim to any expertise in basketball is when I wake up in the morning with my pillow wet because I’ve been dribbling in my sleep. Oh, gosh. Is that Too Much Limformation?
18 February 2012: “Houston, we’ve got a problem.”
February 18th, 2012The week-long media frenzy over the unexpected demise of Whitney Houston continues today with her funeral in Newark, NJ. While I am generally saddened by news of anyone’s untimely passing, this time, uncharacteristically, I seem to be completely unaffected. Buddy Holly, Ricky Nelson, Elvis Presley, Janis Joplin, John Lennon, Kurt Cobain, Michael Jackson. Perhaps I’m still in mourning for all the unfortunate celebrities who preceded Whitney Houston in death, or maybe I’ve just got a problem these days, at age 68, with all obituaries and memorial services.
5 February 2012: Job Opening in Newt’s Household
February 5th, 2012In her New York Times column today, Maureen Dowd speculates on Callista’s silent adoration of her Newt: ”There’s always a chance, of course, that Callista is not staring so intently at Newt to make him feel more Napoleonlic. Maybe she just doesn’t want to let him out of her sight (because) when a man marries his mistress, he creates a job opening.”
18 November 2011: Talking Turkey with Sam Brownback
November 18th, 2011Ostensibly because the end-of-the-year holidays starting with Thanksgiving are traditionally stressful times for families trying their best not to be quarrelsome or dysfunctional, Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback has issued a proclamation declaring Nov. 17-23 “A Week of Reconciliation.” He’s urging “all Kansans to contact and attempt to reconcile with anyone with whom they are estranged by harsh feelings or anger” because, “when past wrongs are admitted and reconciliation is sought, a stronger relationship can be forged for the future.”
This is all quite admirable, so I expect the good governor, who is one of the most unforgiving Republican anti-abortion advocates in the country, to reach out now to all his liberal freedom-loving Democrat pro-choice constituents in Kansas who would like to talk turkey with him if he can only take his mind off all those “buns in the oven.”
12 October 2011: Cats, Condoms and Domestic Abuse
October 12th, 2011In downtown Lawrence yesterday, a woman dressed as a condom was promoting the virtues of having pets spayed or neutered. She was carrying a sign which said: “Condoms won’t work. Fix your cat!” This rendered me speechless, reducing me to near catatonia. I had no idea that feline lovers were gratifying themselves so furtively.
In related news, last night the mayor of the capital city of Topeka also repealed the city’s domestic abuse law, a move designed to ensure the city wouldn’t be stuck with the bill for prosecuting such cases. What’s a cat to do in Kansas?
28 September 2011: Wife Says Rick Perry Will “Get Better.”
September 28th, 2011Anita Perry, wife of Texas Gov. Rick Perry, is now telling the whole world that “the other night was not his best performance,” that “a 30-second rebuttal doesn’t give you much time,” and that “he is only going to get better.” While some people might think it is fine for a wife to endorse her husband’s performance in this manner, others might argue that privileged information like this should best be confined to the bedroom.
27 September 2011: Kansas Walk of Honor/Walk of Shame
September 27th, 2011Former U.S. Sen. Bob Dole is the first Kansan to be singled out for the new Kansas Walk of Honor. Ceremonies on Friday in Topeka will include the unveiling of a bronze plaque at the southeast corner of the Kansas Statehouse lawn. According to an editorial in The Lawrence Journal-World, “Plans call for the state to add up to three plaques a year to the Walk of Honor, which is intended to recognize people with significant connections to Kansas who have made notable contributions at the state and national level.”
So, now that we have this wonderful Kansas Walk of Honor, how about establishing a parallel Kansas Walk of Shame? Alongside those bronze plaques at the southeast corner of the Kansas Statehouse lawn, how about putting up some cheap miniature plastic fire hydrants for dogs to pay homage to those Kansans who have brought us nothing but ridicule and shame? My first nominee for a hellfire-red hydrant is, of course, our very own Pastor of Hate, the Rev. Fred Phelps of Topeka’s Westboro Church.
Who’s your nominee?
18 September 2011: Mrs. Sam Brownback Has a Mission!
September 18th, 2011Kansas First Lady Mary Brownback says it’s important to promote literacy. ”If you can’t read, it’s awfully hard to get a job, and you can’t develop to your full potential,” she opined wisely in an interview which appears in today’s Lawrence Journal-World.
And so the governor’s wife is launching the Kansas Book Festival, an annual event which will open next Saturday at the Kansas Historical Society in Topeka. In attendance will be more than 30 writers from Kansas or who have strong Kansas connections.
It isn’t clear who’s going to pay for all this. According to the Journal-World, Mrs. Brownback established the festival as a nonprofit organization, with the goal of it becoming a self-sufficient organization within a few years. She believes it will also enable the organization to give out grants to school and public libraries around the state.
And what does her husband think of all this? That isn’t clear either, but here’s a quick look at how Kansas Governor Sam Brownback voted in Congress on various matters with regard to education.
Gov. Brownback voted NO on spending $338B of tax cut on education & debt reduction (4 April 2001).
Gov. Brownback voted NO on funding smaller classes instead of private tutors (15 May 2001).
Gov. Brownback voted NO on shifting $11B from corporate tax loopholes to education (17 March 2005).
Gov. Brownback voted NO on $5B for grants to local educational agencies (26 October 2005).
Gov. Brownback voted NO on $52M for “21st century community learning centers (27 October 2005).
Gov. Brownback voted NO on additional $10.2B for federal education & HHS projects (23 October 2006).
Gov. Brownback voted NO on the College Cost Reduction and Access Act (27 September 2007).
And, of course, Gov. Brownback does not believe in evolution, nor in global warming.
I think Mary Brownback has her job cut out for her. If she wants the Kansas Book Festival to be properly funded, she’ll need Sam’s support. She needs to get him to read her lips. To that end, she should herself begin by reading Lysistrata, the ancient Greek comedy by Aristophanes, which shows women how best to get their husbands to give them what they want, by getting off their backs.
Good luck, and good night.
12 September 2011: Giving a Stranger a Hug on 9/11
September 12th, 2011Yesterday evening, being utterly exhausted from watching the heart-breaking non-stop TV-coverage of the tenth anniversary of 9/11, some friends and I decided to take a break by attending a wonderful non-9/11 “celebration of music and art from the 17th to 19th centuries” in the central court of the Spencer Museum of Art on the KU campus. We had great seats on the front row, and we were in for a real treat. On hand were two superb artists from the KU School of Music, vocalist Genaro Mendez, accompanied on the piano by Robert Hiller, in a concert of songs by Purcell, Beethoven, Liszt, and Tosti.
Moments before the concert began, I noticed that the dapper-looking gentleman in his 60′s sitting on my right, who seemed to be saving a couple of seats to his right, kept turning his head to look at other folks who were arriving for the concert. Trying to make chit-chat, I smiled and asked him, “Are you waiting for friends?”
“No,” he replied woefully, “I have no friends.”
“Oh, you poor man,” I mumbled sympathetically. ”Would you like a hug?”
His face broke out in a smile, so I reached over and hugged him. Then I heard someone laughing behind us. I turned to look. It was Joyce Castle, the opera singer, now also on the music faculty at KU. “You should hug him back,” she said to the stranger I had just hugged. Which he did, promptly. And then the wonderful concert began.
At the reception following the concert, someone told me that the dapper-looking stranger whom I had hugged so spontaneously, and who had hugged me back with equal enthusiasm, was Shade Little, the husband of KU Chancellor Bernadette Gray-Little.
And that’s how I will choose to remember September 11, 2011.
4 September 2011: Camouflage Diapers For Babies!
September 4th, 2011As a former advertising man, I’m intrigued by the announcement that Huggies is offering a new line of camouflage diapers. Since babies don’t buy their own diapers, I find myself wondering which adults are being targeted in groceries and supermarkets to purchase this specialty item—Aggressive military recruitment officers eager to catch them while they’re still in the cradle? New mothers whose husbands are deployed everywhere around the world where America has troops? Our hawkish leaders in Congress who voted for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, to give as gifts to all their expectant constituents? Or maybe anyone in America who still believes in the rallying cry from the flower children to “make love, not war,” and to “give peace a chance”? After all, there’s no camouflaging what diapers are for, and that’s to catch and collect shit so that we can dispose of the shit as cleanly and efficiently as possible without soiling ourselves. “Shit on War” or “Poop for Peace,” take your pick. I’m just glad Huggies is not making Stars-and-Stripes diapers. Not yet, anyway.
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- Comments(2)
my brother and my cousins would gladly buy these things. They have camo everything–drapes, clothing (of course), bedding… my father has a gun cabinet that he painted in desert camo. One of my more witty friends was asked if he would like to buy some camo shorts. His response? “Do you really think that no one will see me if I wear them?”
Going by the same wonderful logic, some of our brainless presidential candidates have yet to wear their camo headgear.