“Sophia Loren is 75 years old today,” I said to my next-door neighbor, a graduating senior at the University of Kansas. “We should all look so good when we’re 75.”
He looked perplexed and said, “You want to look like a woman when you’re 75 years old?” Well, at least he didn’t say, “Who’s Sophia Loren?”
Peter and Paul are now without their Mary, our Mary. Like Puff, the Magic Dragon, she’s gone—on a jet plane, to a better place. Leaving us here, bereft, still asking the same old questions, still having a hard time hearing the answers which are blowing in the wind, still wondering where have all the flowers gone, still trying to convince ourselves that this land is really our land. Oh, babe, I hate to see you go.
So here’s a scene from my own remake of The Greatest Story Ever Told. The twelve apostles are having their Last Supper with Him. Seated on the far right is Judas, clutching a bagful of silver coins, campaign contributions which have poured in during the night from the far right.
Him: (Picking up a piece of bread) Eat, for this is my Body.
Judas: You lie! That’s gross! Who do you think we are? Jeffrey Dahmer?
Him: (Raising a glass of wine) Drink, for this is my Blood.
Judas: You lie! So now we’re vampires, too?
Him: Do this in commemoration of me.
Judas: Liar Liar Hip-Hop Pants on Fire! Liar Liar Pentecostal Tongues of Fire!
Sordid news about self-righteous Republicans who cannot seem to keep their dicks private, or their privates out of the public forum, just keep increasing and multiplying. Strom Thurmond, Mark Foley, Ted Haggard, Larry Craig, John Ensign, Mark Sanford, and now Michael Duvall. If you’d like to see a complete list dating all the way back to 1925, with detailed descriptions of each sinful transgression, just Google “Republican Sex Scandals” and settle back for a stimulating read. It’s almost as good as the Bible, a book which, according to Oscar Wilde, begins with a naked couple in a garden and ends with further Revelations.
A new center for international students at the University of Wyoming in Laramie is being named after former Vice President Dick Cheney. Did the international students on that campus have any say about this? By the way, isn’t this where Matthew Shepard went to school before he was tortured and left to die on that fence in that lonely field outside of town? It isn’t Gitmo, but maybe the university should buy that site for any GLBT student organization group that wants to use it, and also name it after the former Vice President.
So who are these parents who claim to be deeply concerned about what the President of the United States might have to say to their children in his start-of-school motivational speech to the nation’s students? Are these parents as deeply concerned about the lyrics of the songs their children are listening to on their ipods? The websites they’re visiting on their computers? The video games they’re playing? The TV shows they’re watching? The alcohol and drugs they’re experimenting with? The unprotected sex and unwanted babies they’re having? What happens to the unmotivated children when they fall behind in their schoolwork and eventually drop out of school? What then? Well, at that time, these parents can always blame the President of the United States for allowing them to spare the rod and spoil the child.
I’m so out of it. I just found out that the word “blog” is short for “weblog.” Now, if only someone will tell me why, suddenly, there are all these nice young people who keep asking me to have an evening meal with them . “Sup?” “What?” “Sup?” “Do I know you?” “Sup?” “It’s very nice of you to ask, but I already have dinner plans.” “Sup?” “Well, allright, if you insist.”
After all the votes are counted, if the new president of Afghanistan turns out to be Abdullah Abdullah, we in the west can mark the occasion by listening to the music of Duran Duran and reading…what else?…Faulkner’s Absalom, Absalom!
The Associated Press reports that it has obtained a video which shows workers at an egg hatchery in Iowa tossing live male chicks into a grinder because “they can’t lay eggs or be raised quickly or profitably enough for meat.” Hmmmm. Animal rights groups should advocate outsourcing the industry to India or China, where males are still overwhelmingly preferred to females.
These are among my favorite bumper stickers: “Defend the right to arm bears,” “Committing suicide in Kansas is redundant,” “My son can beat up your honor student!” What’re yours?