31 December 2009: What’s Inside Your Orifice?

Full-body scanners are designed to penetrate the clothes we’re wearing and, for the common good and safety of the flying public, will show unlucky airport security workers gross images of our overfed bodies in all our naked glory.  But, according to The New York Times, as wonderful as these scanners are, they cannot reveal things which have been tucked between the enormous rolls of fat on the bodies of really obese people, nor can these scanners “see” what has been shoved into the orifices of our bodies.  God help us.  What’s to keep a terrorist from stashing everything he needs up his heinous anus (or her versatile vagina) and then, once in mid-flight, to scratch themselves inappropriately and blow everyone to smithereens? Also, what if someone’s traveling with a pretty pooch who starts to poop sticks of dynamite, or a felonious feline whose purrs begin to sound like a ticking time bomb? Full-body scanners won’t do the job, but full-body x-rays will.  And that’s why everyone needs affordable health-care, even your pets, because full-body x-rays at airports are bound to be expensive, and insurance companies won’t pay for them, especially if you have any pre-existing conditions like…FEAR OF FLYING.